Dez's Shame
by sexiboisgiggler
Summary: Told through Dez and his diary contains reference to Self Harm
1. How it began

A/N: Hi everyone Sexiboisgiggler here,well this is my first Austin and Ally fanfiction but not my first fanfiction you see im also on here as SpeedsGirl4eva but unfortunatly cant remember my log in details so just in case some of this story looks or sounds familiar its patterned on my old story Speedles Secret as at the moment my idea pool is a tad dry sorry...anyway ill do my best to change it as best i can..thanks in advance an enjoy...

Lend me your ear

And I'll tell you

The things i fear

Lend me your heart

And I'll tell why

I'm torn apart

I suppose you are wondering how,why and when this terrible secret of mine acctualy manifested...if it was me reading this I soo would but its not because Im the one writing it,anyway it started the day I was born,sounds silly I know

You see my parents Donna and Dennis didnt want anymore children,they already had Didi my sister and they were happy and then BAM I arrived

Dez McDonald

24th June 1997

7lb 9oz

06:40

That day shouldve been my parents second wait no third happiest day of their lives,marriage,Didi,Me? but sadly no.

Anyway I started this diary to try and make sense if it all I also started self harming

I suppose to escape the continues problems at home.

Well here goes...

Day 1:

Didi and mom started on me today,I'm not sure as to why though..oh no wait, yes,yes I do...they dont like me much. Didi always calls me a weirdo I mean since when have I ever been a weirdo?

Anyway Didi got so mad at me she literally ripped the phone from the wall and threw it at me as though she was pitching a baseball (since when has my sister been remotley intrested in sports?) this whole experiance really scared me.

Day 2:

Mom was admitted to hospital today..the doctors said something about her having Lupus I guess it means shes having a mentl breakdown.

Dad and Didi both say it's because of me so i guess no matter what I dooreven attempt to do it'll always be MY fault so I've written my current feelings down belo kind of poetic form...

MY WORLD:

My world is full of anger

My world is full of pain

My world is full ovf helpless cries

I'm screaming out in pain

My world is full of suicide

My world is fullof cuts

My world is full of hurting myself

My world is full if blood

My world is full of violence

My world is full of wars

My world is full of self destruction

There's nothing to live for

My world is full of death

My world is full of doom

My world is fullof mass destruction

The end is coming soon

Tears are falling down my cheeks

But my tears are red

All my life I've sufferd

All my lifeI've bled

Now I sit here silent

My hands holding my head

As I sit here crying

I cry tears of blood.

How ironic is that...I became the person I am today to prove my so called family and my demons wrong. I thought that if I did some good then maybe just maybe my life would be happier...so I enrolled onto a film/directing course here at Marino High (yes im at school and have been for a while)

Finaly in my life I have a group of friends that actually like and accept me for who I am- well except for Trish she seems to like toying with me but its cool we have a special friendly understanding. If only they knew my past then they probably wouldnt want to associate with a weirdo like me.

I'll be honest I still self harmn just not as regular as I used to but I still feel uneasy and slightly guilty about what happend after class the other day,you see my best friend Austin asked me again why I always wear long sleeves...I I couldn't give him an answer because if In did then my disgusting and shameful secret would be out in the open reducing me to that scared and volnurable lad I once was all over again and I cant risk that.

Luckily for me I keep you well hidden diary so when Austin,Ally and Trish do pop round after school they wont ever find you therefore never discovering my secret or my little friends(my razors). Austin came close to finding THEM the other day I thought that hiding them in the drawers in the base unit of my bed was a safe option...obviously not.

Anyway Diary I should be going now I have another wound to secretly dress and I'm dangerously late for school.

'What-Up' Dez.


	2. Insight

What Up it's me Dez oh wait hehe you already know that (yup I'm that weird)

Today could've been a HELL of a lot worse...ok so I waslate to clas YET again and it doesnt exactly help that the flashbacky nightmares have returned and THAT damn wound wont heal oh and the fact that Ally almost caught me re-xressing that same damn wound.

As much as I'd like to tell them (no love to tell them) about this shameful disgusting secret I'm hiding I'm scared because oncd they see the 1,000 or more cuts and uglyy scars that cover both my arms then they will really think I'm a disgusting freak and most likely dissown me and resent me just as everyone else i n my pathetic life already has and to be honest diary I cant take the rejection again NO I cant risk it,I wont risk it ever!

Ok honestly when I first started hurting myself it hurt I mean it REALLY hurt but something inside me realised that the pain I was inflicting on myself was nothing compared to the pain being inflicted on me by the very people that were supposed to love and protect me so i gues I just found new ways to hurt myself and hide it.

I'll tell you the real reason I started down this harmful and destructive path but please be patient with me as it actually hurts to remember.

Growing up it was obvious my parents and my sister didnt want me around they either looked right through me or was constantly shouting at me as though I have no feelings what so ever...

I remember one day as if it was yesterday I somehow managed to annoy my sjster again so she decided to teach me a lesson (one I will never ever forget) so at the tender age of 15 (yeah just 2 years ago) I was left with 2 fractured ribs,afracturedb wrist,a split lip and a black eye (all that from a GIRL)

So that same night I decided to hurt myself beliueving it would over write the pain they cause me (NOT my smartest idea as I'm still doing it)

Well I guess I should share my shameful secret with a real person rather than just a book as once again I seem to have lost concentration and cut deeper than originally intended (URGH I'm gong to need stitches again!) Maybe if I leave now I'll make it to school on time

What-Up - Dez


	3. Bad Day Demons

I'll be happy

When it's over

I'll be happy

When I'm free

This life was just

Never meant for me

Yeah as you can see today wasn't a very good day either.

I nearly told Austin about my shameful secret but the Demons inside my head told me not to (and like the idiot I clearly am) I listend.

My demons/voices are louder and stronger and I cant always shut them out anxd plus I'm starting to feel like an outsider all over again. I really wish I could tell Austin,Ally and Trish (even though Trish will probably laugh at me) I have to face it.

Well diary I'm off to school,keep ya updated.

What-Up -Dez

A/N sorry its a short chapter kinda got a tad stuck i promise the next one will be longer


	4. I told WHO

How can you see I'm hurting

If you cant see my pain

To wear it on my body

Tells what words

Can not explain

That's constantly how I feel but diary things are about to change and I'll tell you why...

I opened up today about my shame,ok so not to everyone but I told Trish (I know weird right)

She was shocked at first understandably but she didnt laugh at me or judge me at all (she even asked to see my cuts/scars) get this she even promised to help me tell Austin and Ally...

Whoo-Hooo see diary things ARE getting better (slowly but steadily)

Anyway Laters diary I'm off to meet my friends at Minis...

What-Up-Dez


	5. AndIt's out

'Dez,are you ready to do this,what we discussed yesterday after class? Trish asked sensitivly 'I uhm I think so' Dez replied not fully knowing what else he was meant to say,her knows this day woukd eventually arrive.

With Trish leading the way Dez slowly followed,until they arrived at Sonic Boom.

Austin was the first of the pair to see Trish and Dez enter the small establishment.

Walking over to his best friend he initiated their famous 'what up' handshake,at this point it became clear that Dez was becoming extremly nervous and was now messing with the long sleeves of the t shirt ne was wearing hoping this was all just a very bad dream but it soon became crystal clear that it wasn't.

HIs thoughts were abrubtly interupted by Austin and Ally speaking to him in un ison. 'Dez what is it,whats wrong,Dude your scaring us now whats happend?

Sensing her friends uneasiness Trish quickly steps in to help.

'Austin,Ally...Dez here has something he knows he needs to tell you both,but he's a bit worried,scared even about how exactly to say it,you see this 'thing' he needs to tell youboth has gone un-noticed and un-detected for at least 2 years.

She turns to Dez and smiles slightly,'Go on whack-a-doodle I promise it'll be fine.

Dez took a deep breath and focused his gaze on the tub of free guitar pics on the counter 'Here goes,I've had this shameful secret for the past 2 years it kinda stems from the fact that neither my parents or my sister wanted me around not even from the day i was born. So I decided that if I HURT myself it would hurt less when THEY did it.

Dez stopped and began to cry softly.

'Dez take it slowly,Ally and I are here for you ok but we cant help you if you dont tell us what's really wrong' Dez nodded at his best friend and continued.

I suppose that what I'm trying to say is that for the past 2 years or so I've been deliberetly cutting myself,I guess you could say it was my defence mechanism but then again if you were to read my diary you'd understand it's so much more than that.

I keep my friends sorry I mean my razor blades in the drawer in the base of my bed.

As soon as Dez had finished explaining his secret shame to his friends, Austin,Ally and Trish pulled him into a giant group hug.

On the release of the hug Trish turned to Dez smiling 'See whack-a-doodle I told you they'd understand...'Yes, Trish Yes you did...Dezvreplied smiling.

Returning home Dez went straight to his diaries hiding place and grabbed his diary smiling.


	6. Goodbye old Friend

'What up it's me (Urgh I need to stop doing that of course you know it's me)

Anywhoo I just wanted to say that I wont be writing in you anymore as Austin,Ally and Trish all ow know my terrible terrible shame.

Hopefully now with ALL of my friends love and support my demons will finally go away,the cuts will stop and the scars will fade and I'll be accepted by actual people. (Yay go mee)

Well Goodbye diary my good friend,thanks for being there for me the past two years...

'What-Up' Dez

A/N I might add a follow up sequal unsure yet but stay tuned.


End file.
